Violin Love

(also posted on flickr)

from love thursday, something I love – not a person:

Instead, share with us something that fills your soul with light.

For me, it is my violin. My violin and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs. And has been with me in some of the happiest and some of the darkest moments of my life. In this way, my violin at times seems to have a soul of it’s own. There have been funerals of loved ones that I did not think I could play a note, where I have been almost convinced my violin decided to play for me. There have been times of deep depression, in which the only thing that would momentarily take the pain away, was playing my violin. There have been moments of pure joy, like when I played the violin at my wedding (along side of my husband who plays piano), my violin in many ways was responsible for my husband and I meeting. And most of all, my violin is the only thing I have left of my “granny”. My grandmother was taken far too early. Before she passed away, we were sitting in her bedroom and I was laying next to her in her bed. She told me to go and get her house coat and take out the envelope in her pocket. When I did I found an envelope stuffed with a lot of cash. My Grandmother, being from a time where you did not trust banks, kept her money stashed in various places around the house. I looked at the cash and asked her what she wanted me to do with it. She told me to go and buy a nice violin. I wish I could explain how my violin found me, how when I picked up this particular violin it just fit, how it played like no other violin that I picked up. My granny passed on not long after that. I would play for her as she lay dying in a hospital bed, and I would continue playing for her at her service. My violin is something I can hold everyday and think of her, and for that and many reasons, my violin has brought in light to the deepest parts of my soul.  insitu_init_page_photo_description_div(‘2365761939′);

Painted Love

As a child I had this very tainted view of what love is. My parents were constantly in survival mode. They had 3 kids, and most days the question was if we were going to have cereal for dinner, again, or if we should save it for the morning. There were nights in cars, shady motels, and nights where people took us in. When the could, in their own ways, they showed us love. Perhaps not in the traditional ways that other parents can show love. They tried, as an adult I see that, as a child it was hard. It was difficult in the days of uncertainty of where we would be sleeping next, or the nights of yelling, or the nights in which we were all just scared. Love to me has been more like survival than it has been anything else. Along the road there were people that loved us, loved our family in ways that my words would never do justice. I wouldn’t find out till I was an adult, just how much these people in my life when I was a child, loved my family. I sat in a country home an hour outside of New York City, listening intently as stories of my past were revealed to me by a woman and her husband, who decided at some point, despite all they were going through, to take our family and love us. I remember being taken to lunch by a woman I still affectionately call my “grandma”, a woman who has loved me since she met me, when I was just an infant. A woman who opened her house to our family when we needed a place to stay, and never asked for anything in return.

As an adult I feel as though my understanding of love is very real, and raw. My husband has taught me more about love than I ever imagined possible. Most newly weds start off marriage in this awkward, stumbling kind of way. There are plans, a new house to get used too, there are thank you notes and tiny arguments that pop up, all part of that newly wed experience.  My husband and I didn’t have that. We were married, we went on a honeymoon, we came back and I almost died. Looking back on it I don’t know if I ever realized how severe what I went through was. A day after we got back from our honeymoon circumstances would unravel that eventually leave my husband and I in an emergency room with a doctor telling us that my blood had turned acidic and that at any moment I could slip into a diabetic coma, or worse. Prior to this, I didn’t know I was a diabetic. It seemed to be unfair. We were newly weds, and now in this moment I had to worry about what if I didn’t make it? And what about my husband? My new, wonderful, loving, caring husband.

We worked for survival. We made it through that night. We made it through several more. My husband worked endlessly so that he could provide, because I was barely able to get out of bed on most days. He never complained, we never had an argument, we were in survival, and that is when love is the most pure. When every thing small and insignificant  is tossed aside, because there are so many more important things to worry about. When you really and truly understand that a life with out someone is unbearable and tragic, is when love surfaces in the most profound of ways. My husband and I, five years later love each other, knowing that our lives are fragile, that each day is truly a beautiful and spectacular gift we have on this earth. We decided, through survival to love one another in millions of ways. We sing to each other daily, dance, we say I love you more times than we can count, we learned early on that no day can be taken for granted. In the short time we’ve been married we’ve gone through a lot, but each day we sing. Each day we dance, each day we say “I love you”. The small stuff is too small to get in the way of love. Love should be shouted and painted and sung about. Love should be what at the end of the day, remains. What else is there? Often I see people, who get caught up in the daily stress of life, who complain and mourn their life circumstances, and while they might have valid concerns, I ache for them. I ache for them because all of that energy into the realization of all that is going wrong, can be focused and realized into a single act of love. Today, go and love someone. Love someone that you have not before, love someone that you have loved all your life. Life is a series of circumstances mixed with profound timing, to let in people, for you to love.

Love Thursday

I’ve struggled today with finding something to post for “Love Thursday”. But then, I came across this photo of our friends and their little girl. The concept of family for me has always been hard to grasp. It’s not for lack of trying, I have desperately tried to understand and make it all work, in this magical – getting together on Sunday afternoons and playing board games sort of way. On my side of the family, we’re dysfunctional, almost in a sitcom sort of way. My parents are now divorced, this does not upset me at all, in fact dare I say, I had been hoping for that outcome for a really long time… I know it sounds awful, but if you knew them together, you would understand. My brothers, who I love dearly are both very far away, one who is leaving to go back to the mid-east in 4 days and I won’t see him for another 8 months. The other who is a great little brother, is in college, pretty far from us. My husbands side of the family lives in the mid west mainly, and his parents are in Malaysia. There is a brother and sister in law that are close by  and they have a son and a baby on the way, but often it is hard to match up our lives, especially between one family who is living in a condo with no kids, and no desire anytime soon, and the suburban family with the kid and the play times and nap times, and well you get the idea.

This past year was one of, if not the hardest year I’ve ever had to go through. And that’s saying a lot, I’ve been through a lot of bad years. It is one that I wish I did not have to go through, but in the end I found out something very important. Family, are not necessarily the people who share your name, or your DNA, family are simply the people who are willing to travel down the path with you.. Be it for a few moments or for a lifetime. There have been people in my life since I was a little girl who held my hand to walk down unknown territory, simply because they loved me and cherished me. This year, while there were moments of tremendous loneliness, there were a few who reached out and offered their hand, and walked down the unknown paths with me. And so today, after feeling a bit sad that we don’t have much family around I am reminded of the few who I have invited to walk beside me, who are also my family, my dear, cherished and lovely family.

love, love, love

It never ceases to amaze me of the power that a little girl has over her daddy. Even the toughest of men seem to melt in the presence of their daughters, and do things they probably never imagined themselves doing. This photo is of a good friend and his daughter. There are few moments in which I believe that people experience bliss, yet in the presence of his daughter, he always seems to be delighted. The feeling becomes contagious. Which is why I believe that we as often as possible need to where our happiness as much as we can. We need to smile and laugh, and we need to do so often, this is how we spread love… through our smiles.