Let it be.

(from Across the Universe)

A friend of mine is going through a rough time right now, and posted the above video on her site. I’ve been thinking about the past 7 weeks and the depression, and how bad it got. I’ve been thinking about all the things that I thought I was depressed about.

I’ve been thinking about the past, and some hard things that I’ve gone through. I’ve been thinking about things I wish I could change, things I wish I never did, things I wish  that I could just forget. I’ve been thinking about hurt, and people, and friendships lost. I’ve been thinking about things that I wish I had known regarding my health, and wishing I had done something earlier in my life to prevent some of the hardships that having a chronic disease comes with. I wish I weren’t so stubborn at the times I could have made changes, to have done so.

I was thinking about how I wish I could shout words of truth from the rooftops. How I wish that justice would come to those who need it, and that reward would come to the good guys, and just punishment to the bad guys. I was thinking about how I lost religion, faith, and a sense that anyone, but me was taking care of destiny, and how that has become strangely empowering. I’ve thought about friends who I often forget to call on. I’ve been thinking about the people that I truly loved, who still walk this Earth, who are no longer a part of my life, because life simply is not fair. I’ve thought a lot about the people I left behind at the church, and how sometimes, despite that I could do nothing else, I feel that I left them, not the other way around. I’ve felt that if I could just tell them the truth of how and why I left their lives, they would love me once again. At the same time, I’ve thought that this truth would destroy something, as it did for me.

I’ve been thinking about people I will never talk to again, people who have passed on, people who taught me so much, people that I wish I could have held onto for a few more seconds. I was thinking about the day my Granny died, and how I held her hand in a hospital, vowing to her that I would do every thing I could not to die the way she had to, from diabetes, and vowing to always watch over my mom. I would like to think that at the very least, I’ve kept one of those promises, and I’m working like hell on the other. I’ve been thinking about my brother who is overseas, who I can’t talk to every day, who I miss terribly, and how we spent so many years not knowing how much we loved being siblings. I’ve been thinking about my husband and all that he goes through having a wife with a chronic disease, how he has never been sure exactly what he will come home to, how scared he must feel when my diabetes is out of control and there doesn’t seem to be any answers. I’ve been thinking that I am fighting harder than ever, because of him, because of how much I love and adore him.

I’ve been thinking about how much we decide who we are. How much power we have in this life. How much we at a moments will can decided to change, every thing. I’ve been thinking about how assuring that feels. I’ve been thinking that up until recently I did not know how strong I was or could be, how I didn’t have to take life sitting down, and waiting for it to happen to me, but I could happen to my life. That at any moment I can make choices and decisions that will positively impact my being on this planet. That I can not rely on other people to do this for me, or other people to validate me, or other people to open doors. I am perfectly capable of kicking doors down if necesary. I’ve been thinking about how when I give myself a moment to rest in it all, a moment to soak it all in, a moment to reflect, that I can see beauty in all that surrounds me. I can see how life is working out, and how it could work out. I can see how each choice I make will have a certain effect on what my future looks like, and the legacy I leave behind. I’ve been thinking that when I have nothing in my way, that I can be unstoppable. I’ve been thinking to let the past be, that all of what I’ve done, my mistakes, my regrets, my losses, all of them have lead me to this exact moment in time, in which I take the reigns and do whatever it is I can to be fully engaged and in charge of this life I have. The past, is just that, and the future is unknown, but I know what I have right now, and what I can do with it. I now know that I don’t have to wait for a sign, or a answer, but those answers are there for me to have and do something with. I no longer have to determine the will of something not there, but only my own, to find my place in this planet, to find a peace with in myself.

And all of those things that keep me awake some nights, all of those things of the past, perhaps the answer is to let them be.

“Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it you can never get it back.”