All things considered.

Painting in the sky.

Originally uploaded by natalamc

That relief I spoke of in my last post? It all makes sense now. So, about 6 weeks ago I was put on this medicine. The medicine is for a diabetic condition in my feet. The same medicine is used to treat some forms of epilepsy and severe bi-polar. The same medicine is also under a law suit, and being considered by the FDA to be taken off the market because it causes (in a lot of people) SEVERE depression. As in, a lot of people on this medicine have either committed suicide or have attempted it.

Suffice it to say, when I accidentally did not refill this prescription on Sunday of last week, I did not know I would unlock a lot of why I was feeling so down for the past several weeks. That day I felt relief (the day of my post) I had gone to the pharmacy to refill the prescription and when I looked at the bottle, a NEW warning pops up on the bottle about experiencing worsening feelings of sadness, depression of fear. That would have been much more helpful 6 weeks ago when I started taking it. Turns out, that relief was because I was off the medicine for 4 entire days.

I was so angry about it all yesterday. I try, as much as possible to keep things together, but now that I’m past it, and I know what was going on I can say that the last few weeks were miserable. And particularly the last 2 weeks, when things seemed to be particularly bad. As in I did not want to leave my house, and I would randomly start crying (which if you know me, I NEVER do). I was starting to feel kind of like a shell of myself. And I wasn’t telling many people (except my husband) because I really thought I was going crazy.

Granted, I think that there are certain things that came up in all of this that I should examine and look closely at.. Maybe some of it really does need to be dealt with, maybe I have buried some anger/sadness that I need to cognitively work through.

The Church stuff – I am still angry about. I do not see how I could not be. Yet, I also know there is just not much I can do. The truth will come out, and like most Churches that decided to cover up scandal, I’m guessing it will vanish, and be another on a casualties list of another religious institution gone wrong. But, I’m okay with moving on, and knowing that church, as a part of my life is now far behind me, and not part of who I am, or what makes me, me.

And all of those other things I thought about in the past few weeks – I’m guessing are not as severe as I had felt. Just because I “feel” something does not necessarily mean it is true.

I do know a few things after this.

1. I HATE having diabetes. I would do ANYTHING to not have it. I just ordered a book that talks about an alternative/natural way to cure diabetes. It is hardcore. As in I am not sure if I’ll ever enjoy food again. But I really could care less, because diabetes is not worth the taste of any food. ANY.
I contemplated becoming a diabetes evangelist, I could go door to door and tell people about diabetes, I could hand out little tracks and every thing. I would rid their houses of every thing that increases the risks of diabetes – no corn syrup, diet sodas, cigarettes, cake or white breads and pastas! I would then show them pictures of people with diabetes, young people, old people. And then the bills that come with it.
That is my plea to you. Especially if you have a history of diabetes, if are with any African decent, Hispanic or Italian (all are much more susceptible). If you carry any belly fat (I mean who doesn’t, but particularly if it is in your belly) The fat in the belly causes problems with your pancreas. If you smoke (causes insulin to die and raises blood sugar). And if you are an American – there is something like 3 million people that go un-diagnosed. And I can tell you, that nothing is worth having it.
There is my soap box on diabetes – and now I am stepping off.

2. (I still have a list of things I know now)
I have AWESOME friends that chat with my online. With out knowing that I wasn’t doing so well, 2 of my friends in particular helped me A LOT. And I watched A LOT of TV episodes and was able to zone out and focus on that, instead of the depression.
My friend L even had MAJOR drama in her life (her ex boyfriend being an ASS), and I was able to (I hope) help her through that. I mean, I know she didn’t have drama just to help me out, but if you knew L, you might think that she is just that kind of friend who would do that if you needed it.
And my friend M who one night talked to me for like 5 hours, 5! This was while my husband was in Canada, and M has no idea how much I needed to just talk to someone. I think that some friends, have a 6th sense about these sorts of things. And what makes a friend, not just a friend, but a soul friend. I may not believe in god, but I do believe that I am tremendously lucky to have M in my life now (a new friend of sorts) although it feels as though we have been friends forever.

3. My husband is the WORLDS BEST HUSBAND. My husband sees all of it – the good the bad, the really, really, really bad. And I don’t know what I would do if it wasn’t just okay to cry in a puddle in his arms, for seemingly NO reason, at all. Regardless of how I am feeling he tries to put a smile on my face, and this is how the world should operate. Imagine if our goals in life were to put smiles on other peoples faces?

4. I miss creativity, and starting today, I am going to make efforts to immerse myself in creativity once again.

5. I LOVE to work out. Seriously, I know it might sound ridiculous, but when I go to the gym, I leave feeling amazing. I feel proud of myself, I feel like I am being taken care of, that people really care about how I’m doing, what I’m doing, how I’m feeling. I love the feeling of moving my body and feeling alive. I love for a part of the day, that I don’t feel my weight, I don’t feel that I am obese, I feel like someone who is working hard to become healthy. This is why, I am making a commitment to find time and energy to go to the gym EVERY day. Because there is no medicine that can make me feel that good.

6. Despite how I might have felt for the past 6 weeks – my life is truly wonderful.