In focus.
July 7, 2008
In focus.
Originally uploaded by natalamc
It’s been a while since I’ve had the urge to write anything. In fact, when it comes to certain kinds of creativity, I haven’t had much ambition at all. Photography has been my outlet, and my therapy for months now. Before photography, I was in love with playing my violin, writing, reading, art, creating various things. I worked in a job that used all of the creative things I loved, I worked really hard at the job. I could go into all of it – but let’s just say it all fell apart – in a huge, horrible kind of way. People who I thought were friends, no longer were. People who I though I could trust, were the most horrible people I’ve ever met, and I didn’t know the extent of it till after I left the place. Every thing was shaken up for me. Unfortunately I worked for a church, and like most of them, it was corrupt and filled with really bad stuff that was being – is still being covered up. It’s sick. But somehow my creative self, it has had a really hard time jumping into anything creative (outside of photography) since then. Every time I pick up the violin, or a book, or a pen, or art supplies, I think of all I wasted being in that place, and how it used me. I’ve been really trying to get back to all of it, really trying to just separate it all out. But in the meantime, I am so glad for photography and what it has done for me. How it has provided a creative outlet for me to dive into, that has no negative feelings, no bad vibes, no terrible people attached to it.
When I focus on taking a photo, the rest of the world seems to fade, and all I am left with is the beauty before me.
July 7, 2008 at 8:10 pm
That’s a beautiful image. What a horrible experience you had! I’m sorry to hear about.
I had a job I hated – not creative at all, and it sucked the life out of me. It took a long time until I could get creative again after that. But once I started blogging, it helped. I’m glad you have photography.
July 8, 2008 at 9:05 pm
N, I’ve been ravaged by jobs (& people I worked with @ those jobs) before too. I think it helps to realize you have to go through a grieving process.
I visualize a process like a covered bridge. We all talk about “going through the grieving process” (or any other process), but I think we don’t realize how this takes time, effort, reflection, & sometimes counseling. So it’s like you walk into the mouth of the covered bridge. It’s nice & sunny outside the bridge, sometimes with nice flowers growing up the side, & pretty butterflies (you know, on the outside, sometimes it looks like everything’s normal, but things are just not right on the inside of you).
Then you step into the darkness of the covered bridge. But you must keep walking; you must talk yourself through to the light on the other side – the exit of the bridge, the end of the process. When you’re in that darkness, it’s nice to have someone who’s been through there before to hold your hand or to just be there with you as you move through it. When you take the necessary time to go through the action of taking yourself through the darkness, when you come out at the end, it’s over. It’s beautiful & sunny again with flowers & birds singing.
But the difference this time is that the lightness is real. You’ve been through the darkness & you’ve learned the lesson. You’ve gone through the process. Again, it’s probably better to have someone see you through it. But you must do this; if you don’t, the bitterness & darkness stays inside you & changes you (not for the better). Don’t be ashamed that you’ve been hurt by the corruption. That’s not your fault; that’s the fault of those who perpetrated the betrayal. Shame on them, NOT shame on you.
xoK