Relief.

Sunny side of life

Originally uploaded by natalamc

Today, was the first time in a long time I felt some relief from the funk I’ve been in. I’m not even sure what brought it on, although I did talk a lot of stuff out, and wrote a lot of stuff out. It’s not just been the past that has been on mind, although that has been a big part of it. And I think in part, because sometimes I’m an optimist to a fault, and thought that somehow by now justice and truth would have prevailed.
But as I was reminded (thanks Matt) sometimes we aren’t going to be there to see the justice part.
Partly, I think I’ve been angry about what it (being the Church/the job) took away from me…relationships, friends, trust, and something in my creative soul.
But this morning, after thinking about it, I decided that, even after all of this I would rather know the truth. The truth has been hard to carry around, but it is the truth. And, when I was there, a part of it, oblivious to the truth, blindly accepting lies of those who were a part of it all, that was misery, I just didn’t know.
I lost a lot, I lost a lot of people I thought cared about me, I lost a lot of what I thought was important to me. But today, I am glad it is all lost, because it was not real, it was all a deception. And as a good friend pointed out to me, because it was all lies, it was never there to be lost. And with it behind me, I can move on, maybe a little more cautiously than I have before, but non the less, move on, and know that I might not be around to see it, but justice and truth will prevail. I guess I’m a sucker for comic books, the ones that end with the bad guy getting caught. Where are the superhero’s when you need them?

In other, and very good news… My husband and I booked a vacation the the Mayan Riveria for our 5 year wedding anniversary. This will be my FIRST time out of the country, and will be our first real vacation since the honeymoon. We’ve refrained from any really big trips, mainly due to my health, but since things are looking better and better on that front, we decided to go for it. Which, could explain why I am starting to feel a lot better today – thinking about relaxing on a beach, reading books…. at a private resort, sounds completely perfect right now… And is only 2 months away.

Truth

Curl

Originally uploaded by natalamc

For reasons that I’m not quite sure of, the past few days have been rough for me. I think this might be in part because of a new medication that I am on, but non the less, it’s made me stop and think about a lot of things.

I was thinking about truth, this started in thinking about photography and how I am so quick to run something through my photo editor. The truth of the photo is still there, but perhaps not exactly the way the photo came out. I like to think I only edit the photo, to let the person seeing it look through my eyes at what I might have seen. But sometimes, I enhance it, I saturate the colors, I darken the background, I clean up the spots.

I was wondering how often we do this in our lives. Attempt to make things seem just a little better than they are. Maybe this isn’t always a bad thing, maybe sometimes it even helps. But what happens when you photo shop a little too much of life? You know those pictures that people turn one thing into a completely different thing? Aside from asking myself, “what’s the point?”, I wonder why we do this to photos, and why we do this in life.

We got together with good friends over the weekend, friends who know all of the details about what happened in my last job. We talked about why people (that being us) somehow can find themselves in such a horrible situation, and not be able to tell anyone the truth. I always used to think the truth, no matter what, eventually comes out. That justice wins, every time. But I’m not so sure anymore about that. Maybe it’s our need to try desperately to filter every thing through an editor first. Maybe we just don’t want to see the entire truth. Maybe it’s just that ugly and painful to really think about the truth. The thing I do know, about my photo editor.. .You can always go back. You can always undo the process, and all the edits. You can press the “reset” button, and see it for what it is.

Sometimes, I wish we had that button in life. I wish that we could press re-set and get a second chance. In the case of my previous job, I wish justice would just win, and that the truth would come out, but it’s not my truth to tell, it’s just a truth that has a heavy burden on my soul.
I suppose that I still have a small amount of hope that justice will still win, that truth will still come out, and that the people hiding in the corners of deception would come to understand that the re-set button is there to press.

Light is a deception.

Light and Dark

Originally uploaded by natalamc

Now I see it all
Perhaps in hindsight
Where the realization comes
I was a part of it
Because I believed in justice
Your institution
Promised love and peace
But returned void
You never gave a damn
Selfish and motivated by corruption
You let it all be.
You protect it all
As if it is sacred
But far from it
It is the furthest from sacred
There in that stone building
Lies, pain, suffering
And you sit idly by
Pretending as if it was not there
There in that stone building
The one with the wooden pews
The one where I was in love with the light
How it came through the stained glass
Deception is beautiful
Among the beams of light
Deception was buried deep
And I played your fool
I went along
I poured out my soul
And it all is void
You left me out in the cold
Closed your doors
Because I knew the truth
You turned your head
Because of what I could do
The scandal consumes you
And the truth will set you free
Yet the truth is beyond your reach
Because deception is the only thing you know.
It is the institution.
It is the way it is supposed to be
Because it’s all running on empty fumes
It’s all running on lies
And in that stone building
It is no different
Lies on top of lies
Deceptions, cover more deceptions
And the sheep sit
In those wooden pews
Being lead to the slaughter.
They bask in the glow of the stained glass light
They sing praises
Eyes closed
If only they knew
What they were closing their eyes to.
Evil has a way of looking beautiful.
In that stone building
They pretend to love
They act the part
They pass peace to one another
And in that building,
There is no such thing
No love
No peace.
Only lies, deceptions, and pain.
Yet they do not know.
They pass to one another with out a thought.
They are like sheep being lead to the slaughter.
They go willingly, with out questions.
They go closing their eyes
With cheer upon their faces.
They fall one by one
Not knowing any better
They fall into the dark pits
And maybe
This institution
This stone building
With it’s light pouring in the stained glass windows
Has been mistaken
For something that it’s not
Maybe this
Stone building
Is hell.

Like a bad relationship.

Jay Brannan

Originally uploaded by natalamc

Last night my a few of my friends and I went to a Jay Brannan concert. Jay is an indie-folk artist, a one man show with a gorgeous voice and a lot to say.

I love folk music because it feels as though in one song you know the artist. Each song was a story, a letter, a connection. My husband remarked on the way home that he has a much easier time relating to people who have gone through hard things. We’ve been through a lot of hard things together, things that I’m not sure I’d want to go through again. And when I hear someone who can put their experiences, good, bad, tragic to music, something about that is magical. Something about it brings an element of peace to the world.

I thought about this during the concert last night, and what I would do with my stories and music, how I could bring peace to the unresolved things of my life by adding a melody.

I’ve been really wrestling with my creativity (as mentioned in the last post). A friend of mine today told me I seemed to have experienced some “post traumatic stress” with the whole church scandal fiasco. I told her with my creativity, it almost feels sensual, in that I am vulnerable and exposed. I have felt for a long time that I gave my creativity away to the wrong person (this being the church and place I worked). Like a bad relationship, they used me, hurt me, and had no need for me. And I was left, with my heart on my sleeve, exposed, with nothing left. And like a bad relationship there was never an apology, or a thank you, or a “I’m sorry it didn’t work out”. There was just silence. As if I never happened. As if for that period of time meant nothing to the other person in the relationship. I think at the bottom of this, that is the thing that hurts the most, and why when I pick up my violin, or a pen, or a book, or a brush, is that I feel as though I was just not good enough. I know, logically that this is not the truth. But I can’t seem to get over it, or give that creativity to anyone else, because I’m so afraid of giving it away for nothing, and for someone who just really doesn’t give a damn about me again.
And like any bad relationship, where the other person did all the hurting, and the cheating, I need to realize that they were not worth it, and they weren’t worth taking anything from me at all. Why do I need to be in pain for the mistakes that were very much not mine? And why have I let them/it take much more from me than they were worth? The whole thing was like finding out the person you loved was not the person you thought, at all. Part of me blames myself for that, that I did not see all the horrific things that were going on, that I turned a blind eye to most of it, that I thought the better of some very evil people. And yet now, I sit thinking about what it would sound like as a song. A song that just closed the entire thing and let me move on to better things, and someone who is much more deserving of who I am.

Thanks Jay… your music opened up a part of my heart last night.

In focus.

In focus.

Originally uploaded by natalamc

It’s been a while since I’ve had the urge to write anything. In fact, when it comes to certain kinds of creativity, I haven’t had much ambition at all. Photography has been my outlet, and my therapy for months now. Before photography, I was in love with playing my violin, writing, reading, art, creating various things. I worked in a job that used all of the creative things I loved, I worked really hard at the job. I could go into all of it – but let’s just say it all fell apart – in a huge, horrible kind of way. People who I thought were friends, no longer were. People who I though I could trust, were the most horrible people I’ve ever met, and I didn’t know the extent of it till after I left the place. Every thing was shaken up for me. Unfortunately I worked for a church, and like most of them, it was corrupt and filled with really bad stuff that was being – is still being covered up. It’s sick. But somehow my creative self, it has had a really hard time jumping into anything creative (outside of photography) since then. Every time I pick up the violin, or a book, or a pen, or art supplies, I think of all I wasted being in that place, and how it used me. I’ve been really trying to get back to all of it, really trying to just separate it all out. But in the meantime, I am so glad for photography and what it has done for me. How it has provided a creative outlet for me to dive into, that has no negative feelings, no bad vibes, no terrible people attached to it.
When I focus on taking a photo, the rest of the world seems to fade, and all I am left with is the beauty before me.