Focused on the great beyond.

Focused on the great beyond.

Originally uploaded by natalamc

Often I wish that I could see as a child sees the world. They seem to marvel at the things I take for granted on a daily basis. Today, I want to stand in and focus and just love the world.

Violin Love

(also posted on flickr)

from love thursday, something I love – not a person:

Instead, share with us something that fills your soul with light.

For me, it is my violin. My violin and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs. And has been with me in some of the happiest and some of the darkest moments of my life. In this way, my violin at times seems to have a soul of it’s own. There have been funerals of loved ones that I did not think I could play a note, where I have been almost convinced my violin decided to play for me. There have been times of deep depression, in which the only thing that would momentarily take the pain away, was playing my violin. There have been moments of pure joy, like when I played the violin at my wedding (along side of my husband who plays piano), my violin in many ways was responsible for my husband and I meeting. And most of all, my violin is the only thing I have left of my “granny”. My grandmother was taken far too early. Before she passed away, we were sitting in her bedroom and I was laying next to her in her bed. She told me to go and get her house coat and take out the envelope in her pocket. When I did I found an envelope stuffed with a lot of cash. My Grandmother, being from a time where you did not trust banks, kept her money stashed in various places around the house. I looked at the cash and asked her what she wanted me to do with it. She told me to go and buy a nice violin. I wish I could explain how my violin found me, how when I picked up this particular violin it just fit, how it played like no other violin that I picked up. My granny passed on not long after that. I would play for her as she lay dying in a hospital bed, and I would continue playing for her at her service. My violin is something I can hold everyday and think of her, and for that and many reasons, my violin has brought in light to the deepest parts of my soul.  insitu_init_page_photo_description_div(‘2365761939′);

In Bloom

There in the darkness of it all
Came light
There in the darkness of it all
Came hope
There in the darkness of it all
Came desire
And in the darkness we will  find
What we are looking for
We will reach for it
And grasp on to it
We will hold it
And not let go
We will do so
Because we are strong
Because we are still
In Bloom

Happy Birthday

Last week I wrote about love, and my husband. Today is my husbands birthday! We go all out for birthdays. We do so because I think the two of us really understand that celebrating each year we have is a spectacular way to show love. We do so because we have had uncertain times with my health, and times in which we didn’t know what the future held and how many years we’d get to celebrate together. We do so because we believe that each day should not be taken for granted, because each day is another reason to wake up and spread love and happiness. And on birthdays, what better way to acknowledge another year on this earth, another absolutely love filled year. I just can’t write enough words to tell you how I love my husband, or how much he means to me, or how great I think he is. We’ve been through a lot in the past few years. We’ve gone through things that a lot of people don’t come out of. But we’ve gone through it, singing, dancing, and loving, each step of the way. Wherever you are right now, be sure to tell someone how much they mean to you, how much you love them, how much you care for them. Remember always that life is fragile and beautiful, and to be celebrated often. And especially on birthdays – go all out, celebrate the day that the world was changed by one person….

Happy Birthday baby I love you.

Guest photographer – my husband

I had to post this photo of my husbands, because I love it so much. He’s the one who got me into photography and has taught me so much.

happy spring

I have never been so delighted to see spring arrive. For me this past winter was a hard one. I learned a lot this past winter, about myself, about my desire to wear my heart on my sleeve at times, but how that can end up hurting so badly. I learned about loss, in early January I found out I was having a miscarriage. It was a loss I was not expecting. It was during this time that I felt alone and lost, and scared…. My husband, I learned even more so is an amazing man who with a hug can change every thing. I learned that sometimes I need to take care of myself, before taking care of everyone else, and that I am worthy of good friendships, one that give and are loving and nurturing. This winter I learned through it all how to change my life, in ways that are positive and beautiful. The past winter seemed to be a turning point in my life, one that I know I’ll look back at and say that it was the winter I found out who I needed to be and who I was. And I am so happy spring is here, that the flowers are starting to bloom, that the sun is starting to warm the earth. This will be a beautiful spring. One of life and new beginnings.

Painted Love

As a child I had this very tainted view of what love is. My parents were constantly in survival mode. They had 3 kids, and most days the question was if we were going to have cereal for dinner, again, or if we should save it for the morning. There were nights in cars, shady motels, and nights where people took us in. When the could, in their own ways, they showed us love. Perhaps not in the traditional ways that other parents can show love. They tried, as an adult I see that, as a child it was hard. It was difficult in the days of uncertainty of where we would be sleeping next, or the nights of yelling, or the nights in which we were all just scared. Love to me has been more like survival than it has been anything else. Along the road there were people that loved us, loved our family in ways that my words would never do justice. I wouldn’t find out till I was an adult, just how much these people in my life when I was a child, loved my family. I sat in a country home an hour outside of New York City, listening intently as stories of my past were revealed to me by a woman and her husband, who decided at some point, despite all they were going through, to take our family and love us. I remember being taken to lunch by a woman I still affectionately call my “grandma”, a woman who has loved me since she met me, when I was just an infant. A woman who opened her house to our family when we needed a place to stay, and never asked for anything in return.

As an adult I feel as though my understanding of love is very real, and raw. My husband has taught me more about love than I ever imagined possible. Most newly weds start off marriage in this awkward, stumbling kind of way. There are plans, a new house to get used too, there are thank you notes and tiny arguments that pop up, all part of that newly wed experience.  My husband and I didn’t have that. We were married, we went on a honeymoon, we came back and I almost died. Looking back on it I don’t know if I ever realized how severe what I went through was. A day after we got back from our honeymoon circumstances would unravel that eventually leave my husband and I in an emergency room with a doctor telling us that my blood had turned acidic and that at any moment I could slip into a diabetic coma, or worse. Prior to this, I didn’t know I was a diabetic. It seemed to be unfair. We were newly weds, and now in this moment I had to worry about what if I didn’t make it? And what about my husband? My new, wonderful, loving, caring husband.

We worked for survival. We made it through that night. We made it through several more. My husband worked endlessly so that he could provide, because I was barely able to get out of bed on most days. He never complained, we never had an argument, we were in survival, and that is when love is the most pure. When every thing small and insignificant  is tossed aside, because there are so many more important things to worry about. When you really and truly understand that a life with out someone is unbearable and tragic, is when love surfaces in the most profound of ways. My husband and I, five years later love each other, knowing that our lives are fragile, that each day is truly a beautiful and spectacular gift we have on this earth. We decided, through survival to love one another in millions of ways. We sing to each other daily, dance, we say I love you more times than we can count, we learned early on that no day can be taken for granted. In the short time we’ve been married we’ve gone through a lot, but each day we sing. Each day we dance, each day we say “I love you”. The small stuff is too small to get in the way of love. Love should be shouted and painted and sung about. Love should be what at the end of the day, remains. What else is there? Often I see people, who get caught up in the daily stress of life, who complain and mourn their life circumstances, and while they might have valid concerns, I ache for them. I ache for them because all of that energy into the realization of all that is going wrong, can be focused and realized into a single act of love. Today, go and love someone. Love someone that you have not before, love someone that you have loved all your life. Life is a series of circumstances mixed with profound timing, to let in people, for you to love.

In progress

There is a path that stretched beyond our suburban town home. A seemingly boring path that was usually traveled by dog walkers and the occasional mom with a stroller. I could only see part of the path from our living room window, and never thought much about traveling down it. One day, while going through a particularly rough patch of depression, I decided to go walk and take the camera. To my delight I came upon a meadow of daisy’s, but what inspired me that day was the sign that announced them. “Wild flower meadow in progress.” That little sign in the meadow of flowers gave me a tremendous amount of hope in that moment. Despite all that I thought was going wrong in my life, I realized that I was just like that meadow, wild and in progress. And just like that meadow, I was something beautiful, even when still in progress. Every time I need to be reminded that life is beautiful, I stare at that picture and remember that I’m “in progress” and that above all, to be wild is to be beautiful.

Flying colors…

Over at shutter sisters the theme of the day is “just shoot it”. I took this photo as a complete accident. It wasn’t until I uploaded it that I noticed the girl flying through the air. I loved this little girls sense of style. Her ability to put every color imaginable into one outfit, down to the orange crocks made me want to run out and find more color for my wardrobe. I wish I had this kind of bravery as an adult, the kind of bravery that picks from the closet the most colorful, rather than the safest. The kind of bravery that says “I’m going to go run and jump through that hula hoop. The kind of bravery that chooses things based on what will make me happy, rather than what others deem acceptable. What if we were to just do what we thought best at the moment, and forget what anyone else might think? What colors would you wear today?

Behind the eye lids

Our dreams lay just beyond our eye lids.  Eyes wide shut, dreaming, imagining, hoping, planning. Closing your eyes opens a world that is unknown to the rest of the world. Closing your eyes means all is possible. All behind the eye lids we find our biggest dreams and our wildest imagination.