As I see it.

Jay Brannan

Originally uploaded by natalamc

Last night my a few of my friends and I went to a Jay Brannan concert. Jay is an indie-folk artist, a one man show with a gorgeous voice and a lot to say.

I love folk music because it feels as though in one song you know the artist. Each song was a story, a letter, a connection. My husband remarked on the way home that he has a much easier time relating to people who have gone through hard things. We’ve been through a lot of hard things together, things that I’m not sure I’d want to go through again. And when I hear someone who can put their experiences, good, bad, tragic to music, something about that is magical. Something about it brings an element of peace to the world.

I thought about this during the concert last night, and what I would do with my stories and music, how I could bring peace to the unresolved things of my life by adding a melody.

I’ve been really wrestling with my creativity (as mentioned in the last post). A friend of mine today told me I seemed to have experienced some “post traumatic stress” with the whole church scandal fiasco. I told her with my creativity, it almost feels sensual, in that I am vulnerable and exposed. I have felt for a long time that I gave my creativity away to the wrong person (this being the church and place I worked). Like a bad relationship, they used me, hurt me, and had no need for me. And I was left, with my heart on my sleeve, exposed, with nothing left. And like a bad relationship there was never an apology, or a thank you, or a “I’m sorry it didn’t work out”. There was just silence. As if I never happened. As if for that period of time meant nothing to the other person in the relationship. I think at the bottom of this, that is the thing that hurts the most, and why when I pick up my violin, or a pen, or a book, or a brush, is that I feel as though I was just not good enough. I know, logically that this is not the truth. But I can’t seem to get over it, or give that creativity to anyone else, because I’m so afraid of giving it away for nothing, and for someone who just really doesn’t give a damn about me again.
And like any bad relationship, where the other person did all the hurting, and the cheating, I need to realize that they were not worth it, and they weren’t worth taking anything from me at all. Why do I need to be in pain for the mistakes that were very much not mine? And why have I let them/it take much more from me than they were worth? The whole thing was like finding out the person you loved was not the person you thought, at all. Part of me blames myself for that, that I did not see all the horrific things that were going on, that I turned a blind eye to most of it, that I thought the better of some very evil people. And yet now, I sit thinking about what it would sound like as a song. A song that just closed the entire thing and let me move on to better things, and someone who is much more deserving of who I am.

Thanks Jay… your music opened up a part of my heart last night.

In focus.

Originally uploaded by natalamc

It’s been a while since I’ve had the urge to write anything. In fact, when it comes to certain kinds of creativity, I haven’t had much ambition at all. Photography has been my outlet, and my therapy for months now. Before photography, I was in love with playing my violin, writing, reading, art, creating various things. I worked in a job that used all of the creative things I loved, I worked really hard at the job. I could go into all of it - but let’s just say it all fell apart - in a huge, horrible kind of way. People who I thought were friends, no longer were. People who I though I could trust, were the most horrible people I’ve ever met, and I didn’t know the extent of it till after I left the place. Every thing was shaken up for me. Unfortunately I worked for a church, and like most of them, it was corrupt and filled with really bad stuff that was being - is still being covered up. It’s sick. But somehow my creative self, it has had a really hard time jumping into anything creative (outside of photography) since then. Every time I pick up the violin, or a book, or a pen, or art supplies, I think of all I wasted being in that place, and how it used me. I’ve been really trying to get back to all of it, really trying to just separate it all out. But in the meantime, I am so glad for photography and what it has done for me. How it has provided a creative outlet for me to dive into, that has no negative feelings, no bad vibes, no terrible people attached to it.
When I focus on taking a photo, the rest of the world seems to fade, and all I am left with is the beauty before me.

Mystery

Originally uploaded by natalamc

Years ago my Dad found this violin case among my Grandfathers belongings. Inside was this violin. Completely useless as a violin anymore. And was called by a violin maker “good for a flower pot”. My Grandfather was not a violinist, and yet here is what looks like at one time would have been a great violin. The only salvageable part, a chin rest, with an Italian village etched into it (which I use).
Playing the violin, I know that anyone who cares about playing developes a real love for their instrument, it becomes part of your body. It becomes like a person, it’s own separate personality. When I look at this violin, I can’t help but wonder who played it, what was played on that fingerboard and why it was tucked away in a closet, kept, though completely useless and broken.
I see a lot of beauty in it, a tremendous beauty, because all things, even though useless to many and broken have stories, and they are in themselves, beautiful.

Love Thursday

Originally uploaded by natalamc

Yesterday was a really hard day. Like one of those days in which so many tears are shed you are pretty sure that it is impossible to shed anymore.
I was grasping onto things to find hope and love in and was reminded of the past week and Jen’s journey and Odette, and meeting this woman filled with smiles, despite adversity in the absolute worst forms.
Sometimes finding love and hope is hard, and we have to just wait for it. Maybe it will come out of nowhere and be dangling above us just waiting for us to grab hold of it.

Girl Power Africa.

Originally uploaded by natalamc

Today I mailed out the first batch of zine’s for Jen and Odette. 250 of them (give or take a few). So if you have ordered one, hopefully they will get to you this week! The best part? I ran out, and have to go pick up some more. There are only 28 total left in stock. So if you have not purchased one, please do so. They are really amazing and filled with hope and a whole lot of love.
Here is the site, just in case you don’t have it:
jenlemen.etsy.com

Jen left for Rwanda yesterday. I wish I could put into words the energy her house had on Friday, though chaotic perhaps, this sense of something huge and big that was just dancing above all of us. Like no amount of work was too much to ask for, because in a few short days 1000’s of people would be impacted by this act of love, of a bunch of soul sisters and brothers. How can you not be excited?

Please hold her up in your thoughts today, and Odette and the girls. And if you want to pitch in, please feel free to get one of those remaining 28 zines.

Her work.

Originally uploaded by natalamc

I can’t even tell you how beautiful these zines are. They look like they should be on the shelf at Barnes and Noble. Jen did an AMAZING job putting it together.

I went over to Jen’s and helped out a bit, and addressed a lot of envelopes (and stuffed with zines) to go out soon… I was so happy doing this, thinking of all the people who were going to be holding them reading them and smiling.

Hope is contagious. There might be a few zines left to purchase. Check out jenlemen.com for more information if you haven’t already.

Love Thursday

Originally uploaded by natalamc

I have always had a love affair with carousels. When I see one I light up. There is something about things that were just made for us to enjoy that is simply lovely.

If you haven’t already, show some love today and get this zine:
www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=11763782

Simplicity

Originally uploaded by natalamc

I’ve really been longing for some simplicity as of recently. Things seem to swirl around me, and I try to catch up as best as I can, often failing. Sometimes I need to stop and breathe and wait, it will all happen.

Parole Bracelet

Originally uploaded by natalamc

How cute is that foot?
Sorry I haven’t been around much for the past few days. We’ve been really crazy busy. I promise to catch up soon! I

Girl Power.

Originally uploaded by natalamc

A few days ago Jen Lemen posted this: jenlemen.com/blog/?p=374
And since then I’ve had this little voice in my head yelling at me that I am stronger than a thousand men! (listen to the link at the end). I can’t tell you how this story has energized my soul, the one of Jen and Odette and little girls under trees reading in Rwanda. It reminded me to believe again… That we are strong and we can do many things, even the impossible. So on your most impossible day, may you find hope and find the courage to do what it is you fear the most.